I really do. So I made a video about it.
Yeah, I just got back from Las Vegas and The Grand Canyon. I’m TOTALLY gonna post about the trip this week but I wanted to make sure you saw this vid first. So click the pic of The Cosmopolitan below (it’s where we stayed) and GO. (And WATCH OUT for a dude named “Delmont”…)
WINE PAIRING: No wine today. In this vid, because I’m THAT dedicated to my characters, I had to choke down TWO cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon…so therefore I think YOU should, too!
It feels SO good to sit down at my desk right now. It’s been a week of drama, illness, and rearranging schedules. It’s only Wednesday, I know, but no matter! This week’s been a bear to wrestle…
First and foremost, I’ve had to play Nurse Norman for my wife, who woke up at 3am Tuesday morning feeling dizzy and disoriented. I thought she was gonna topple over and crack her head on the master bath marble. Turns out she has a pretty bad inner ear infection gained from a terrible cold she’s been combating since last Thursday. So there I was all day yesterday, escorting her to and from doc appointments…running around picking up meds and food…dropping 10 very specifically-timed ear drops into her right canal…”10…9…8…7…etc.” Checking in and making sure: “Eat your soup!” “Go lie down!” “Take your meds!” “Stop e-mailing work!” (My wife does NOT know how to relax…)
In other news, my pug Mickey was put under and had a very deep-rooted tooth extracted last week and HE’S been on 100 different meds. And getting him to take his required pills is like wrestling TWO panda cubs. Yes, I’m telling you, shoving meds down The Mick’s throat is EXACTLY like THIS. Exhausting! The damn dog’s 19 pounds and it’s seriously like tackling a linebacker. He’s strong! “I’m not trying to kill you, Mickey, I’m trying to ease your pain and prolong your life!!!”
I also have dear friends going through tough times. I wanna be there for them. I wanna bring the good wine over. I wanna listen and support and pay very close attention to what’s going on, and, hopefully, provide some laughs if I can, sitting around their family table. But it’s work! It’s work to be there for your nearest and dearest. You wanna do the best job you can.
So I have been wrestling bears this week. It all comes from a downright obstinate sense of duty. Care-taking’s like a side business for me. I even used to get paid crappily for it. I worked with an elderly male victim of HIV and a woman who died of lung cancer. I’ve seen some shit. LITERALLY. And, don’t get me wrong, I RELISH my position. But then I worry, should anything bad ever happen to ME, what will my people do?? I mean, I’d like to think they wouldn’t be able to function without me. But something tells me they’ll be fine.
Like…JUST. FINE.
That’s cool. I hope they will be just fine. I also hope they remember the care I took of them and the love I showed them. Because loving and caring for my people is almost like a disease for me. If I ever cared to find a cure, I would!
The good news is, I’m going out-of-town next week. Rest could be on the horizon! The wife has a conference in Vegas and we’re gonna go check out some shows (none which feature wrestling bears, however, which surprised me.)
Listen, I’m no fan of Las Veg–I mean, Lost Wages by any stretch. But I AM a rabid devotee of sitting around a fantastical pool, sucking tropical drinks through a giant purple straw, ogling bikini girls, and reading my John Lydon book. Hey, I’ve EARNED that shit. We’ll also be taking a side trip to the Grand Canyon. I’ve never seen it. I really wanna be awed. But my worse fear is I’ll just pull a Clark Griswold and be on my way.
So more to come! And TAKE CARE. 😉
WINE PAIRING: My friend Doug Paul sent us the crisp and tart and completely delicious 2012 Georgia Cuvée from his Three Sisters Vineyards & Winery which we opened and toasted with on Father’s Day. I’m telling you…whatever Doug and his team are doing down there in Dahlonega wine country, they’re doing it RIGHT.
So if you happen to follow me on social media, particularly my Instagram, you may have noticed lately that I’ve been posting a lotta pics of smashed-up and/or kicked-to-the-curb furniture pieces with cartoony faces drawn on ’em. Truth is, I can’t seem to suffer enough for my stupid, so-called art, so…turns out this is just a new form of creative expression that I think I might be really enjoying…
(Wait a minute, how’d my recent drawing of The Joker pulling his hair out get in there?? Oh, well. That’s a screen shot for ya.)
I’m not gonna lie. I live in a REALLY crappy, congested neighborhood. That said, it’s seriously booming around here with retail and residences. But to what END? Nature is dying all around me. Squirrels are dropping dead from high atop the exhaust-choked trees. And some pretty hateful people around here shamefully litter the nearby streets with their leavings. So it kinda bums me out. Not a walk with the pugs goes by where I don’t see a discarded couch or mattress or box-once-containing-a-giant-dildo from the local porn shop around the corner. And the compulsion to document ALL of it gets sometimes overwhelming. And, inevitably, pretty depressing. Which is why I think somehow humanizing this stuff with expresses of pain or pathos or rejection might help me deal with it a little better? Not sure yet.
I’ve been using the Photo Editor Aviary to create these and it’s really the first time I’ve ever attempted to draw with technology. I’m a pen and ink guy through and through. But this just seems to work for me right now. And who knows? Maybe it’s just another passing fancy. But I think it also might be a good memorial for the fallen furniture items that served their inconsiderate, slob-ass once-owners well.
WINE PAIRING: Aviary Vineyards in Napa Valley appears to have a whole FLIGHT of alluring titles to explore.
Look, I’m not gonna sugarcoat this: My uncle Patrick is a very, very, bad boy. A womanizing, rebel-rousing, rule-breaking party boy.
Wait a minute! Party BOY? He just turned 62 years old!
Yeah, my uncle’s all kinds of trouble. Not to mention, nomadic and untethered as all get-out by loved ones. In fact, I hadn’t seen him since my sister’s wedding back in October of 2013, and that was ALL-too-brief a reunion. The dude moved to Portland from Sonoma Wine Country a few years before that, then told me he was going “off the grid”. Now he says he’s living in an RV somewhere up on the Columbian River. Free as bird, man. That’s Patrick. Could be he’ll wind up in Montana. Or Costa Rica. Or–
So when he rang me outta the blue to relay he was coming down to L.A. for a visit – like, less than a week’s notice – I was really surprised. Well, he never did give much warning about his arrivals back in the day. Most times, he’d just show up at the doorstep in nothing but a pair of cut-offs, clutching a wine cooler (“Hey, man…what’s goin’ on?”). But I made sure to thoroughly accommodate him this time. Best of all, I had a PLAN for when arrived. A menu of activities for the 24-hour period he breezed through. And that included shooting some video of him, just in case I never saw him again. Because much like a Sasquatch – who Pat claims he’s seen – my uncle could very well vanish back into the woods of the Pacific Northwest and never be heard from again.
This was a very important dude to me growing up. Clearly, unruliness lies deep in our DNA. But this recent reunion with him was a most unique and enjoyable time. It was SO good to re-connect with him and have some laughs. He even came bearing gifts. A copy of “Into the Wild” and a DVD of “127 Hours”. Yeah, Uncle Pat’s a MAJOR nature buff. He just can’t be contained in the concrete jungles of progress.
Anyway, here’s some video for ya! I hope you are especially moved by Uncle Pat’s reactions to some of the old home movies I showed him. I know I was. Just click the psuedo-psychedelic pic I drew of The Man back in ’06 and GO…
WINE PAIRING: Uncle Pat was also kind enough to bring down a bottle of the 2011 Primarius Pinot Noir, vinted and bottled in Dundee, Oregon. Primarius is Latin for distinguished, by the way. And while Pat may not quite be that, he’ll definitely go down in infamy as my most awesomely zany relative…
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING UNCORKED ENTRY MAY OFFEND YOU BASED ON THE SUBJECT MANNER. READER DISCRETION ADVISED.
So here’s what I declared on Facebook this past Friday morning:
Today…is Human Centipede Day. Yes. Yes, it’s true. Adam and Brett are coming over and we are taking in ALL 3 HUMAN CENTIPEDE MOVIES (Part III is out today). I had to go to 8 supermarkets to find peach sorbet so I could totally steal the idea from an internet meme you see below. I’m even gluing the labels on the cartons.
There will be MANY adult beverages consumed. There will be pizza. There will most likely even be male bonding, which I have grown utterly unaccustomed to since I mostly roll with chicks. There will be madness. There will be great and powerful bellows of fear. And inevitable bruises. FULL report coming soon. (Gee, Max, we can’t wait.) HAPPY HUMAN CENTIPEDE DAY!!!
Okay, so here’s proof that I actually did glue the labels on the cartons of Häagen-Dazs peach sorbet I picked up:
Look, I have no shame here. I am a huge fan of writer/director Tom Six, the creator of the Human Centipede franchise. I like his brain. His subversive attitude. His disdain for humanity. His style of dress. And the fact that he owns a pug named Nigel. I also think the first film, in particular – “The Human Centipede (First Sequence)” – is one of the most terrifying – yet artful – works of horror proficiency I’ve ever seen. It astounds me how polarizing these films are, especially from people who’ve never seen a frame of Six’s work. It’s just the THOUGHT of three people being sewn together ass-to-mouth that brings about debilitating waves of repulsion, I guess.
So, yeah, I had my two dear buddies over (known for their true grit) and we spent a FULL 11 HOURS watching all three films (the latest – and apparently final – installment is available now on VOD.) We viewed, we paused, we dissected, we took exercise breaks, we pissed, we smoked cigars, we laughed our fool heads off. We screamed. We busted balls. We ate. A LOT.
There was:
Peanut butter-filled pretzels, wasabi peas, pizza, grapes, a veggie tray – Who EATS during these movies??? – potato skins with sour cream, peach sorbet scoops with frozen peaches atop them, chips and salsa, chocolates, gourmet cupcakes the wife picked up from Sprinkles, and, inevitably, THAI FOOD!
BEST of all, however, were the Party Favors. Both Brett and Adam were each presented with their very own brand-new laser pointer, both in honor of Dieter Laser who stars in two of the three THC flicks…and, you know, for pointing at the TV whenever something unbelievably point-worthy happens…which was often. I also went so far as to draw the three of US as a human centipede! I even filmed their reactions. Click the drawing below to see the video!
It’s was SUCH a fun time. In fact, I think we need to make Human Centipede Day a National Holiday! Who’s with me??
(Crickets)
WINE PAIRING: In honor of Tom Six (and the fact that the First Sequence human centipede had 6 hands), I feel it’s best we pop open the NV Célébration Brut North Coast from the Six Hands Winery in Walnut Grove, CA.
Cheers, Tom! Can’t wait to see what depravity you have in store for us next.
In 1986, when I was 16 years old, my late, beloved grandma (Betty Koch) bought me my first-ever video camera. It was a bulky, unwieldy, Panasonic VHS cassette-containing number that came with a chunky, rechargeable battery the size of a Wonka bar. Grandma had taken me shopping for the unit at the now-defunct Circuit City in Woodland Hills when she flew out here from Michigan for a visit, and I knew for a fact I had chosen wisely. She even threw in a pricey camera bag and tripod because she was so very good to me.
I made SO many silly little movies with that thing. I mean, basically the same kinda stuff I do today. Fun with friends…weird, random shit…interviews…channelings…you name it. And, yes, I DO still have the footage. Somewhere…
I had that camera for 20 years until it finally sold in a yard sale. Bittersweet, indeed. But also relieved that I didn’t have to show up to capture crap for other people anymore. “Oh, Max, aren’t you a videographer?? Is there any chance you can come shoot my casting director showcase this Sunday night? I’d like to study my acting choices in the footage after.” GROAN.
I’ve had many cameras since, and playing with 16mm during my brief stint at CalArts film school was fun. The camcorder I brought on my first trip to Europe, however, was a nightmare. I mean, who’s BRIGHT IDEA was it to shoot (burn) on little, unreliable mini-DVDs that don’t play back properly?! Frustration City.
Wow. CalArts. It’s so funny. I SO thought I was gonna be this serious, important filmmaker. No, I know the truth. I became a goofball VIDEO maker. Make no bones, I embrace it. I do.
The viral videos I made for YouTube were actually shot on a 2005 Canon Powershot (a still camera) with a video record feature. I STILL make occasional magic on that thing. The screen ratio is 4×6 (did I seriously just type that?) but the sound is better than most cameras I’ve used. And nothing but nothing beats the invention of the of the SD card.
Okay, sorry, NOW I’m boring mySELF! It’s just amazing that I ever managed to figure out ANY of this “How Will I Ever Shoot Footage?” crap on my own. With NO help.
Which brings us to the smartphone. I think a lotta work still needs to happen as far getting the sound just right on these things, but that can always be enhanced in cutting. And while I’m the kinda guy who doesn’t always have the patience to wait-until-I-get-home-to-edit, I have to say that just being able to whip out my iPhone 6 whenever and wherever the hell I want has been a DEFINITE creative expression enhancer. To impromptly capture a minute of my dogs being dumb…or exploit an oddwin…or stage a sudden “skit” or stunt on the street has been TANTAMOUNT to my development as an artistic person. Footage, baby! Footage! Shoot, shoot, shoot! All the time. ALL the time. And I do. I REALLY do. It’s like an addiction. (Great. Just what I need. ANOTHER addiction.)
Case in point: I thought it would be fun to compile some of the more “memorable” iPhone videos I’ve made in recent years and post them on YouTube for my fickle subscribers. A lot of this stuff is junk, I get it, but if it somehow becomes any part of my twisted legacy, then fair enough, I say. Because this is ALSO who I am and what I’m about. And if you find it offensive that I will discreetly shoot an old person in a wheelchair or a hefty being in a mobility scooter and then give them a funny voice AS I’m doing it…just understand that the outside world and its fabulously-faulty human dwellers can be a sturdy canvas for me. (And, out of fairness, we never see their actual faces.)
So give ’em a glance, won’t you? Ideally, with some stemware in your hand. More footage to come! Footage!
WINE PAIRING: Since we’re talking about cameras, the internet, and taking pictures – albeit ones that move – check out all the kickass Wine Photography on Pinterest…and have a safe, reflective, wine-soaked holiday weekend!
So I’ve been a Los Angeles Times daily reader/newsstand purchaser/subscriber for 25+ years. The past few of those 365 day-ers, the reliability of their service had plummeted to periods of paucity I never thought possible. It got to the point where even a WEEK wouldn’t go by where I wasn’t sending them an angry e-mail with varying subject lines: NO PAPER. NO PAPER AGAIN. PAPER TOSSED IN A PUDDLE OF WATER. WHY DO YOU PEOPLE HATE ME SO MUCH???
Seriously! This is a typical e-mail I would send them:
Once again, my paper never came this morning. Also, my Sunday paper yesterday failed to contain a Calendar, a Travel, nor an Arts and Books section. I can’t do this anymore. I want out. My number is (blah-blah-blah) if you think you can fix this. But look at the vast history of emails and complaints here. You can’t fix it. You don’t WANT to fix it. You don’t care enough. It’s a joke. I want out. My ass is killing me. And you LIKE that it is.
Finally, a “specialist” called me yesterday. She had a very soothing way and somehow managed to coerce me into a new delivery arrangement that would start this morning.
And then? This morning? NO paper arrived. I literally bowed my big head in disappointment after yet ANOTHER hike down four flights of stairs to retrieve it. A ritual I had grown accustomed to, even if for naught.
I felt bad for poor Ruby, the customer service rep who had to take my call this morning. I REALLY let her have it. Not her personally, of course. Oh, she worked hard to dissipate my defiance. But you could tell even SHE agreed I was just in my cancellation!
Reading the morning paper with my coffee is over. It’s just as well. The frequent e-mail sending and demand for quality service was prematurely aging me like an old guy who still reads the newspaper. Yeah, yeah, “just read it on your iPad.” It ain’t the same.
I just wanted my paper to arrive everyday.
I’ll miss you, Ralph Drabble.
WINE PAIRING: Hey! Look what I found! Our Daily Red! How apropos! AND it’s “organic”! PERFECT for Los Angeles! (Okay, I’m kinda taking the piss there, but I’m SO stepping out today to grab a bottle…)
Back in 2013, I made this little video in honor of my mom for Mother’s Day that I posted on Facebook.
Raising a glass to all mommies everywhere…
WINE PAIRING: Women LOVE white wines. And moms will especially enjoy the 2014 La Playa Sauvignon Blanc from the Curicó Valley in Chile. Zesty, sexy, and a little on the tart side. Just like Mom.
I really have made some fabulous friends over the more recent years of my absurd life. Take my dear buddy, actor/writer/master chef James Sie, for example. I met James during my run on Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness. James (he “permits” me to call him “Jim”) is simply one of the few people I got left who I feel truly gets me. That’s not to say he’s not often bewildered by my bullshit. But we tend to identify on a lot of different levels. Especially when it comes to cinema and spirituality and graphic novels.
Speaking of graphic novels, James wrote a beautiful, witty, unique – and, at times, woefully sad – book called Still Life Las Vegas: A Novel (with accompanying illustrations by Sungyoon Choi), which is being published this summer by St. Martin’s Press. Now that’s a pretty big deal within our little social circle. James was also in one of my “soul” movies called “Ghost World”, but he never seems to give a shit that that fact means so much to me. James and his hilarious husband Doug will have myself and our fellow Furious Five-er Kari over for “movie nights” on occasion and those are always a real treat. Especially since James will usually INSIST on cooking us this huge, elaborate supper before we settle in for the show. He even wears the little white chef’s jacket as he spins around in his gourmet kitchen!! Oh, Jim.
Anyway, all this leads to is a video about us shopping for a ridiculously-extravagant toilet. It’s been an obsession of James’ for quite some time now, this thing, so I thought the least I could do was join him down at the Toto showroom in Beverly Hills, only to wind up being completely useless (although I DID get a free LUNCH outta the deal.) So click the pic below of the some of the fancy-ass features for thrones we looked at and GO!
WINE PAIRING: Ever heard of Pruno? Neither had I until I read “Charles Manson Behind Bars: The Crazy Antics and Amazing Revelations Of America’s Icon of Evil” by Guillermo “Willie” Mendez, who used to make it out of his toilet in his prison cell next to Manson’s. That’s right! It’s essentially TOILET WINE! Shit, I’d drink it. Especially if I was incarcerated.
Yesterday morning, I got my last allergy shot. Initially prescribed to me by my ENT doc, I’ve been getting them for three years now. When I first did the scratch test, I was told by Karen the nurse (who administered it) that I’m pretty much allergic to everything. That I should basically be living in a plastic bubble like John Travolta did. This has been a lifelong issue, my allergies…along with my battles with sinusitis, which almost killed me back in ’94.
Look, I just wanna trade in my head, okay? It’s too goddamn big anyway.
I wouldn’t mind living in a plastic bubble, as long as there were still lots of ladies to talk to and plenty of wine flowing. But this is more about Karen the nurse. In the three years she’s been giving me weekly allergy shots, she has gone through a great many hardships, including a separation from her husband. She has two young kids, she had to move (her commute got so much worse), she had to rebuild. She started going to the gym and figuring out her future. Every time I’d go in to see her, we’d quickly catch up on our weeks, over the course of however long the shot took. Right arm this week, left arm next week. Weeks and weeks and weeks. Some of the shots hurt much more intensely than others, yet her skill and presence was always soothing and kind.
Saying goodbye to Karen the nurse this past Friday was a little rough, I gotta admit. I’ve come to depend on her. Her shots. Her laughter. Her whispered musings. Her terrible taste in movies…
ME: So what’re you gonna do this weekend?
KAREN: I dunno. I need to get out. Have some fun. I wanna see a movie.
ME: What do you wanna see?
KAREN: Oh! Y’know what I wanna see? That new “Fast and Furious” movie! (her eyes lit up) “Furious 7”!
ME: Oh, GAWD.
KAREN: Aw! What! You don’t like those?
ME: Of course I don’t! Karen! I’m RAGING cinema SNOB! Never seen one. Never will.
KAREN: Oh, Max…
And then a giggle. OUCH! And…right…a shot.
So I gave her a huge hug goodbye. It felt amazing to hold that fine caregiver in my arms. What a sweetie. “Come see me anytime”, she said. Now I just need to come up with excuses to visit the doc now and again so I can check in on how my friend’s doing.
WINE PAIRING: Being that I’ve brought the nurses and operators of the office cases of beer over the years (they’re SO not wine girls), we’ll take a break from the grape this time and bust out the suds. Karen’s always been so appreciative of the beer. I bet she’d be a lotta fun to party with. Here’s hoping she finds her peace. She’s earned it.