Max Koch Uncorked | Wine-soaked adventures through a twisted life…

My friend Christie Mellor is a unique and marvelous talent. She paints, she draws, she sings, she writes, she gardens, she mothers. I mean, it never ENDS with this woman! And now I’m very excited to share with you my new video – a “docu-portrait”, if you will – about a recent afternoon I spent with her. Since it really is ALL about Christie and the vid, why don’t we just cut right to the chase. And if you happen to have a red velvet FEZ lying around, now would be the time to pop it on.

So click the pic of Christie below and GO!

WINE PAIRING: In a winking twist you’ll soon understand, we’re gonna go with a Dark ‘N’ Stormy on this one. Highball cocktails, baby! Perfect for a visit with this magnificent Mellor person.

Categories: Uncategorized.

Hey, Madonna…

October 28, 2015 maxkochuncorked

Tags: Inglewood Madonna Madonna Estate Rebel Heart The Forum

Hey, Madonna. How’s it goin’. Max Koch here. You don’t know me.

So, listen, saw your show last night at the fabulous Forum in Inglewood. I’ve actually seen you live a whopping SEVEN times now. I’ll be honest, it’s only because my wife is a longtime rabid – and I mean FOAMING – fan of yours, that I ever see you in concert at all. Otherwise, I’d just be sticking with occasional glimpses of your “Sex” book and that “Open Your Heart” video. But my wife has to see you EVERY TIME you come to town. It’s a MAJOR event for her. And she is SERIOUS about it. How serious? Well, I’ll tell you.

Knowing FULL WELL from experience that you most likely won’t even hit the stage until at LEAST 10:20pm, we actually wound up leaving our house at 4:30pm, at my wife’s insistence. Now I don’t do math but I’m pretty sure that’s ALMOST six hours we’re taking before we even lay eyes on your gold-plated grill ‘tween your painted lips. We sat in miserable traffic, grabbed some dinner at some shitty diner I thought was a good idea to try, made our way into the Forum’s parking lot, picked up our tickets at Will-Call, wife purchased some pieces of your merch (she collects ALL your programs), grabbed a coupla overpriced (duh) margaritas, and stood waiting for the doors to open 40 minutes after they were scheduled to (which was supposed to be 7pm). By the time we reached our spectacular aisle seats, Madonna, I gotta say, I was EXHAUSTED.

So now we’re talking 8pm by the time we sat, which, coincidentally, was the time your show was actually scheduled to commence, according to our tickets. But NO worries. I had NO expectations that you would even come out until around 9 or 9:30. And sure, sure, I know you had to have a DJ come out first to get us in the mood. Zzzz.

However…YOU came out at the aforementioned 10:20pm. So for TWO HOURS AND TWENTY MINUTES we sat and waited for you appear on stage, only to start calling us all “bitches” and making us suffer through yet ANOTHER rendition of “La Isla Bonita.” I have to ask, with the greatest respect, WHAT is with you and that song…?

Now don’t get me wrong. I know. I KNOW. You, ma’am…are the Queen of Pop. I get it. And I think that’s GREAT. And you did NOT look bad for a 57-year-old. Quite the contrary. I know a lotta folks rudely bash you for all kinds of reasons, but I greatly admire your artistry, your moxie, and your still-surprisingly-boner-enticing physical attributes. All THAT said…I thought this was your weakest show I’ve seen yet. It started OUT cool. I liked the horror movie-type images at the beginning with scary Mike Tyson, all snarls and sharp, steely teeth…and you as a bloodied-up Marilyn Monroe-type trapped in a cage. But the ideas kinda stalled out after that. Things appeared…disjointed. Sloppy even. You hid behind your guitars a lot, which, okay, tells me that maybe you’re still trying to prove to the world that you’re a “real” musician or something. But you needn’t bother! You’re Madonna! You’ve proved it ALL, believe me! Time and time and time again.

And lose the Katy Perry cameos. You don’t need that noise.

(Exhale)

Anyway. I hope YOU had fun up there. Wait. Do you have fun anymore…? I guess you do. I mean, you kept us up until 12:30am, woman! That’s kinda LATE for me. I know, I know, I’m just an insignificant old nothing who’s just there to make sure my wife doesn’t slip and tumble down the beer-soaked stairs of section 108, but I got DOGS back home that need to relieve themselves. As it is, I got all turned-around outside in the Forum parking lot afterwards, fearing my 2009 Kia Rondo had been stolen (don’t worry, it was intact, I just got lost and confused in that lot for the first time ever because it was SO past my bed time…).

When we finally made it back home, it was 2am. So that’s a NINE AND A HALF HOUR excursion to see you. Shit, that’s a day at DISNEYLAND, dude! Now would I do it all again next time? Of course I would. I should say, “of course I would…because it makes my WIFE happy…”. But the truth is, I HAVE NO CHOICE. You are my wife’s all-time favorite, biggest, grandest, bitchiest idol. So it looks like we’re stuck with each other, Madge. Until you decide to stop touring. Which I’m NOT asking you to do. So until then, can you just…do me a little favor? Can you maybe start a wee bit earlier next time? I know you won’t. But I just had to ask. I mean, really, I shouldn’t even be blaming YOU for ANY of this! A lot of this is my WIFE’S fault, as she’s so psychotically particular about getting to you in a timely fashion and not “missing” anything!

I’m just…asking for me. That’s all. Thanks, darling. I really do think you’re wonderful. I do. I think “Confessions on a Dance Floor” is your masterpiece. Loved you in “Dick Tracy!”

WINE PAIRING: Why, the “Due Ragazze” Pinot Noir Reserve from Madonna Estate, of course! Perfect because that’s Italian for “two girls” and Madonna always has her two female back-up singers.

Categories: Uncategorized.

5 “Scary Questions” for Cartoonist James A. Roberson

October 22, 2015 maxkochuncorked

Tags: Cartoonist Halloween James A. Roberson JARHUMOR Russian River Pinot Noir Zakes Mokae

‘Tis the season! Halloween is ALMOST here. Have you checked for monsters under your bed yet…?

Ooo! Speaking of monsters, I thought it would be a lotta fun to ask my friend and fellow (reclusive) cartoonist, James A. Roberson, five “Scary Questions” in honor of Halloween. I met James when he was a guest on The Cutting Room Movie Podcast and I’ve been a huge fan of him and his work ever since. He’s got a great brain. Check out his website and YouTube channel.

1.) Why is your humor called Jar Humor?

Well, not to be a prick about it, but it’s JARHUMOR, all one word, all capital letters, or all lowercase. It’s a brand name.

The JAR part is just my initials, (James A. Roberson) and the HUMOR was something general enough that I could change mediums if I wanted to; it was never my intention to become a Cartoonist.

I wanted to be a Woody Allen or Mel Brooks type; the Comedian, Writer, and Filmmaker. (But, I seem to be getting there via the cartooning and YouTube videos.) The important thing to me is being funny, is the one thing I do very well; it is my dharma, (the driving force of my life.)

2.) You once explained to me the practicality of your artwork…that you do it essentially for commerce, your merchandise, versus an unyielding need to express yourself as a creative person. Has this changed at all?

I do have a need to be creative, but I also have a need for my work to add value to this world. The money is the difference between a creative professional and an old lady making scrap books.

I have a print of The Starry Night hanging above my bed as a reminder of how much of a schmuck Van Gogh was for not being aware of the value of his art. Every night, I think to myself, “Don’t be like Van Gogh, be like Warhol, be like Dali, be like Disney; create and enjoy.”

3.) Do you get into Halloween these days? What is your worst Halloween memory? Your best?

I hate Halloween. It is just a cheap, plastic version of the things I love all year. I do admire people who use it to be creative, but, you know, I draw monsters all the time, so I get sick of it.

I do enjoy the slutty Halloween costumes. (I hope Feminists don’t ruin that; I believe in gender equality, which means making the men’s costumes just as slutty.)

When I was a kid I had this thin foam Grim Reaper mask that you had to paint the details on, and I loved painting it. I was the Grim Reaper four years in a row and I just kept making that mask more horrifying each year.

Oh, and one year I got to be the Cryptkeeper in a haunted house, yelling, “Hello, boils and ghouls” in my half-ass Cryptkeeper voice.

It’s a shame I don’t get into Halloween anymore. I think being a reclusive Cartoonist over the last few years has kept me from enjoying certain things.

4.) You are an admirer of cinema. Now is the time for horror. What are some of your favorite scary movies and why?

Well, I mostly like cheesy 80’s horror movies like CHOPPING MALL and NIGHT OF THE CREEPS because they’re fun and I have nostalgia for the 80’s.

But, the one film I like, that I think is scary, is THE SERPENT AND THE RAINBOW. I mean, it’s a true Haitian zombie story, and the flick feels very real. And the actor Zakes Mokae is a scary dude… I saw him on an episode of A Different World and he was still super creepy.

5.) What truly FRIGHTENS you, James…?

I’m kind of a nervous person, so I have the normal fear of heights, natural bodies of water, and loud noises. But, the thing that keeps me awake at night is the thought of my own death.

All the New Age spiritual crap I’m into has convinced me that the Universe (God) is just using us to experience life, or we are God experiencing life, but we get used up and traded in for a newer model.

And the Gurus and the Wise men say our energy continues on, but that energy can’t watch movies, or lust after the AT&T girl, or write a joke… So, what’s the point?

I love my life, I am terrified to lose it, and the only comfort I have is that after my death, I won’t be able to miss it.

Wow. Those are some truly compelling answers, James. AND a Zakes Mokae call-out to boot! No wonder I’m such an admirer of yours. Happy Halloween (even if you’re over it) and thanks for taking the time, dude.

WINE PAIRING: In honor of JARHUMOR, what’s say we meet up at The Wine Jar wine bar in San Francisco. We can bust out our laptops and have a howl at James’ stuff while burying a bottle of Russian River Red 2009 Pinot Noir. Boo!

Categories: Uncategorized.

Max Koch Goes to SAVOR the CENTRAL COAST (New Video)

October 7, 2015 maxkochuncorked

Tags: Bristols Cider Christian Roguenant Dubost Firestone Walker Kiamie Wine Cellars Marich Premium Chocolates paso robles Sarah Schneider Savor the Central Coast See Canyon Hard Cider Co. Sunset Magazine

It was SO good to get the hell outta The Big Orange last week and once again rock it on up to our most desired destination of all, the Central Coast of California. This was our only real extended vacation for the year and so we chose to hit some spectacular wineries in Paso Robles we had yet to acquaint ourselves with – Kiamie Wine Cellars, in particular, was a gem – and spend five nights at our all-time favorite deflation station, Shoreline Inn…on the beach in Cayucos. Man, was it much-needed. Can ya tell…?

For the first time ever, we also checked out the Savor the Central Coast food and wine festival, which is put on by Sunset magazine. Talk about an adventure! I even took a champagne class, taught by the appropriately-named Christian Roguenant! Oh, are you kidding me? I shoved SO much delectable drink and artisan goodness in my face that my sorry ass practically had to be rolled outta there via wheel barrow. But, hey, y’know, I was “on vacation”.

Click the pic below for the video and GO! (And what’s with the hat? What’m I, the Indiana Jones of wine country?? Eh, why not…)

WINE PAIRING: Y’know, I gotta say, I kinda went on a bit of a HARD CIDER kick on this trip. I loved the guys over at the See Canyon Hard Cider Co. but I cannot implore you harder to check out the bourbon-infused Blackbeard sparkling cider from Bristols. Word is, this thing has an actual CULT following. Well…looks like I just drank the COOL AID.

Categories: Uncategorized.

My 2015 Summer Wrap-Up…

September 20, 2015 maxkochuncorked

Tags: Blood Into Wine Caduceus Cellars Gary Drysdale Grand Canyon Route 66 Seven Wonders of the World The Grand Canyon Wine Co. Tony Soprano meets The Godfather

Phew! What a RUN! Where are we, September?? Already??? Well, listen, better that we’re now nearing the autumnal bliss I always crave and thrive on…rather than being stuck back in the perspiration-drenched doldrums of late-July. Fall, of course, is my most favorite time of year. Halloween and scary movies, pumpkin-y things and falling leaves. BRING IT. Bring it, I say.

Before we set the clocks back an hour, however, I’d like to wrap-up a few loose summer-y things of note. Bear in mind, I HATE summer. I hate summer and I hate heat and I hate the sun. Well, that’s not true. I mean, I worship the sun as a star* and I know the grapes on the vines need it and I realize we’d all be dead without it and my astrological sign IS Leo, after all, but…I dunno, man, that big, bright thing in the sky can be a real DICK when it comes to making me SWEAT and PANT and HEAVE in grave discomfort. LOOK, I JUST CAN’T DO HOT WEATHER. As it is, my air-conditioning at home just broke down twice in a week because I was running it too cold.

Which brings me to:

The Grand Canyon

So back in June, at the ass-end of our Las Vegas sojourn, the wife and I decided to make it a point to see the Grand Canyon on our way back home. We’d take a couple of extra nights, check out historic Route 66, and hit one of the Seven Natural Wonders of the World with exploratory gusto. Nic had been to the canyon before years ago on a cross-country trip with her brother, but I had actually never seen it. I barely knew the damn thing was in Arizona. But I made it. I finally made it. And I’ll be honest with you. It sucked.

The Grand Canyon SUCKED!

Now don’t get me wrong. It WASN’T the Grand Canyon’s fault that it sucked. Not at all. It was the PEOPLE who caused it to suck. AND the fact that it was a 107 degrees there. Oh, that didn’t help at all. I mean, had I KNOWN that Summer was the very worst time of year to visit the Grand Canyon – the very HEIGHT of heat strokes and tourists – I would have never agreed to such an adventure. But I did. Because I’m an idiot. And I was too excited to see the Grand Canyon. All I wanted to do was stand in silent awe before something greater than I.

DIDN’T HAPPEN.

I mean, WHAT is it, man? What is it about people that they can’t keep their mouths shut when witnessing nature at it’s finest? At least enjoy a meditative moment of reflection before blurting out, “Hey, Garth!! Take a picture of me in front of the canyon!!!”

Oh, Garth.

Meanwhile, here’s a snapshot of Nic and I standing before the Grand Canyon. But I SWEAR this was taken by a couple after they asked me to take one of them. And I was whispering the WHOLE time, if even uttering a word.

Look, I’m all for capturing those precious moments, but there was a LOT of unnecessary yammering going on at the views. People would NOT shut up. Most of them were too busy looking for the SNACK BAR. So I felt kinda bad for the Grand Canyon. Because it was so much more about snapping selfies and posting on social media than it was about taking a quiet, reflective moment to think about how truly slight and insignificant we are as a species. Then again, I guess for most people, that isn’t the most “fun” thing to think about when you’re at the Grand Canyon.

The worst thing about our day at the park was the fact that we were forced to board these awful SHUTTLE BUSSES crammed with humans. On again, off again, on again, off again. Up a hill, down a hill, up a hill, down a hill. It was the only way to get around on this particular side of the rim! And all the shuttle drivers seemed really cranky, too. Well, no wonder, there were just TOO MANY PEOPLE to negotiate. And they packed us in like sardines with sunburns. Listen, I’m there to behold a spectacular 1-mile-deep / 277-mile-wide GORGE, not to suffer the tortures of some random dude’s ASS in my face.

Is it any wonder THIS was my most favorite posted sign of the day? I was picturing EVERYONE getting too close to the edge and falling off.

Hey, I was just impressed someone was able to get a damn mobility scooter up there!

There was a point where I somehow managed to talk Nic into getting away from people and hopping a rail so we could find a little spot to meditate in. Once we settled at the base of a cliff, far from the faintest trace of human voice, I managed to pull out a cheap bottle of uncorked red and two plastic cups from my backpack to raise a toast to what the Pueblos deemed “a holy site”. That was perhaps the highlight of the day for me. That is, until I started to feel the canyon magnetically pulling me TOWARDS it! As if it was asking me to sacrifice myself and take the leap! The truth is, I have a pretty debilitating fear of heights, and had probably pushed it by sitting so close to the edge. I just wanted a quick siesta, but instead found myself crawling away from the cliff on all fours in fear for my life!

The Grand Canyon Wine Co.

Much more fun than our full day at the Grand Canyon was the 90 minutes or so we spent at the Grand Canyon Wine Co. in Williams, Arizona. I had learned all about the AZ wine scene from the kickass documentary, “Blood Into Wine”, which chronicles Tool frontman Maynard James Keenan and the production of his Caduceus Cellars titles. We’re talkin’ stuff made in desert conditions!

Grand Canyon Winery is producing stuff out of the Verde Valley and we just thought it was all delicious. And SUCH a cool tasting room, too. We were well-taken care of. They also make craft beers, if that’s more your speed.

After our tasting, we hit the main drag in Williams (Route 66!) for dinner and a CARICATURE! Yup, if you can believe it, it was the very first time Nic and I had ever had ourselves immortalized in cartoon form by somebody other than me.

It was done by a Phoenix-based artist named Gary Drysdale and we totally hit it off. Turns out he paints, too. I think he nailed it!

Oh, Grand Canyon. Love you, mean it. I’m sorry it didn’t work out between us. Perhaps some other time. Like, in the DEAD OF WINTER.

The rest of the summer came with an unexpected trip to the hospital, the completion of a horror-themed screenplay I wrote with my dear buddy, Brett…some really enjoyable voice-over gigs…and a brand-new video I made that you might wanna check out and share called “TONY SOPRANO meets THE GODFATHER”. All in all? I’m ready for Fall!

WINE PAIRING: Go with the Grand Canyon Winery’s 2012 Voyager, for sure. “Brave. Unapologetic. Voluptuous!”

*Thank you, Sheri Strahl, for reminding me that the Sun was a star, not a planet.

Categories: Uncategorized.

Me Today

August 22, 2015 maxkochuncorked

Tags: Cartoonist Catharsis Drawing Percocet Sound City

I spent most of this past week in the hospital for some kinda crazy, horrific abdominal take-down that the doctors still aren’t clear on as to what it was. I gotta tell ya: it was some of the worst discomfort I’ve ever experienced in my life. On the flip side, however, it was an extremely positive – and dare I say, slightly life-altering – experience. I’ll get into all that later (plus I’m still working on my Grand Canyon entry), but I wanted to post this drawing I just did on the doctor-prescribed Percocet I got. I gotta say, it was REALLY cathartic and fun. I should also point out I drew it to Black Flag, Nirvana, Circle Jerks, and the “Sound City” soundtrack.

WINE PAIRING: No wine right now as I’m recovering. It SUCKS! But I also plan to ease down on it anyway once I feel better. I kinda like losing weight!

Categories: Uncategorized.

The POP Champagne & Dessert Bar RULES!

August 16, 2015 maxkochuncorked

Tags: Goorin Bros. Hat Shop Pasadena POP Champagne & Dessert Bar The Melting Pot

I think I might have a new favorite haunt in Pasadena. It used to be The Melting Pot. But that location closed. Now I think it’s the POP Champagne & Dessert Bar. I went there last night for the first time. The wife kindly took me there for a belated birthday dinner. It was magnificent. And it REALLY cheered me up. Check out some quick video I made so you can grasp the decadent gist of my joy.

POP has a kickass Happy Hour. $5 sparkling wines and $6 to $8 champagne cocktails, served from 5 – 7pm! And don’t get me started on the “Beginning Bites” menu. The popcorn chicken was so filling and delicious, I had to bail on the actual entrée I was aspiring to mow, something called “Champagne Chicken”, which I’ll just have to order next time. Otherwise, I was slurping back champagne-soaked shellfish, salad, and truffle fries. I was in heaven. Dizzy with delight. It’s been a while since I felt that alive and robust.

It’s so funny, too, because there were MOSTLY chicks partying in the place. I guess I just have a more feminine palate for the bubbly than most dudes I roll with.

Oh! I should probably mention that I was treated to two new hats before dining at POP. I like hats. A LOT. The problem is my head is too big for most hats that look cool. But the fine young ladies over at the Goorin Bros. Hat Shop in Pasadena (just around the corner from POP) had my BACK. All I did was tell them how fat and awful my head was and they went in the back and pulled out a buncha hats in my SIZE! So I got a cap with a Beaver on it (??) and a fedora, which I hope to wear to Cuba someday.

WINE PAIRING: When you go to POP, try the house sparkling for sure, but stop at nothing to sip one or two flutes of their Bellini Noir. It will make you feel like crossing your legs!

Categories: Uncategorized.

A Few Quiet Days in Las Vegas… (Part Two)

July 29, 2015 maxkochuncorked

Tags: Cabo Wabo Cantina Giada De Laurentiis Las Vegas Sammy Hagar Sin City Sindy The Cosmopolitan Tieton Cider Works Zombie Burlesque

Around Day 3, I attempted to channel one of those arrogant male models from Europe, lounging about the sun-scorched Bamboo pool at the Cosmopolitan with my shirt off. But soon I got self-conscious, and placed it back on. It was also 120-degrees in the shade. I’m Frosty the Snowman in such cruel weather. I MELT. I’m also pasty and freckly. A fair-skinned white boy. It’s the German-Irish curse. Plus, I’m still working on my weight deal. I also barely went in the water because I kept seeing people spitting and dribbling into it. Like…first they submerse themselves…then they come back up, and all this, like, spittle-y, bubbly, pool-watery syrup starts to shoot out of their mouths. Multiply that by, like, 80 people (that’s 80 mouths, I think) and the whole thing just becomes dizzyingly unappetizing.

And don’t get me started on trying to read a book in a chaise lounge. I can’t do it! I have to sit in a regular chair or couch to read. On a chaise lounge, I can never get the back part to stick upright enough. So now my stupid legs are jutting out forward, while the top half of me’s bent partially upward in a manner that’s never conducive to comfortable reading. Also, I never know where to rest the book. On my belly? In my lap? What if my bathing shorts are wet? Then the book will get soggy. So then I try to just lie FLAT on the damn thing and hold the book up over my head, but my arms are too short and the muscles in my armpits get sore.

Are you starting to gather that it’s exhausting being me…?

No matter. I was really only down by the pool for the butts in bikini bottoms. Sadly, the eye candy wasn’t great. And too many kids! STOP WITH THE KIDS in Las Vegas. They’re everywhere.

I gotta say…as far as bathing suit choices worn out by the pools go…there are some VERY bold men and women out there. Cheese, folds, and blemishes be damned, they are OUT THERE, JERRY, AND LOVIN’ EVERY MINUTE OF IT. God bless ’em. But I’ve got meals to eat.

Speaking of which, the one super fancy-pants place the wife and I dined at was called Giada…from famed TV chef and granddaughter-of-movie-producer Dino, Giada de Laurentiis. Don’t get me wrong…the fare was quite scrumptious (and appropriately pricey)…but, man-oh-MAN could I have stood for a helluva lot more AIR-CONDITIONING in the joint. It was SO stuffy and hot in there. Hell, it was hot in Vegas EVERYWHERE. How are we all DOING this, with the heat? How does anyone cope? It’s getting worse and worse every year. You could see beads of sweat on the serving staff’s faces. I kept asking for more water. And thinking cool thoughts.

And, typically, NO ONE ELSE seemed uncomfortable but ME…

Call me White Trash (and I know you already think it) but I have to say, honestly, that my most favorite meal in Vegas turned out to be the evening we went to Sammy Hagar’s Cabo Wabo Cantina. I tried both the white and red sangria and sufficiently annihilated a plate of the Baja Style Grilled Fish Tacos. Not sure I needed the sauce, though (the chipotle crema). Perhaps just an extra squeeze of a lime.

And Sammy’s hilarious. On the way back to L.A., we listened to an old Howard Stern interview with Sammy. Can you believe what a buncha BABIES Van Halen are?? They make Pink Floyd look like they’ve got their shit together. But good for Sammy and his tacos. And his bobbleheads.

The cantina is located inside a very vast and disorienting mall beneath the Planet Hollywood resort. A madcap maze of shops and surplus all leading to the Zombie Burlesque show at the V Theater. But even more eye-popping than hot, half-naked, living dead girls was the sudden, unexpected appearance of Sin City Sindy, the World’s Largest Stripper at 31-feet tall, who stands outside the Showgirl Bar. Oh, did I enjoy my time with her. Can you tell…?

The Zombie Burlesque show was hardly the experience I had with Blue Man Group, but it was harmless enough. And perhaps that was the biggest problem. I mean, I was expecting BURLESQUE. I wanted girls, girls, GIRLS. But I mostly got guys with dark circles around their eyes. And they were funny, I guess. The host was actually rockin’. He was working his ass off. And it was fun to see twisted appearances by Turf and Tiny Bubbles, the king-sized drag queen. But the show didn’t turn me on at ALL. I need more burlesque in my burlesque. Where was the SEX? I didn’t even mind that most of the show’s humor was gay-centric, I just wanted to walk out of there with a third leg. But I can’t complain too much cuz they did give us free green zombie ooze Jell-O shots. And I DID score this bitchin’ after-show pic with some of the cast. But again…NO GIRLS!

Maybe they got sick of being groped by demented octogenarians and pervy necrophiles.

Speaking of gay, the week I was in Vegas was the time the Supreme Court came down with the landmark Same Sex Marriage ruling. Ever the opportunist, I posted this pic to my Facebook while everyone else turned to rainbow colors. I loved these guys. And they made me feel mighty real.

OH!

I almost forgot.

The Bamboo pool area I ogled ass at caught FIRE last week! Did you see this?

Well, anyway…the point is, I suck at Las Vegas. And I really have no shame about it. But at least I didn’t gamble my house and car and wife and dogs away.

What I DIDN’T think was gonna suck was my NEXT stop on this adventure. Namely? The Grand Canyon. I’ll tell you all about that nightmare next time. One good thing came from it, however. The Grand Canyon Wine Co. in Williams, Arizona, is awesome!

Until then…cheers.

And Good Luck.

WINE PAIRING: I’m breaking the rules again but that’s what writing about Las Vegas does to you. Foregoing a proper wine suggestion this time, I have to say I was knocked out by the Wild Washington Apple Cider from Tieton Cider Works. I enjoyed a few of those during my stay at the Cosmopolitan. Really crisp and refreshing stuff!

Categories: Uncategorized.

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A Few Quiet Days in Las Vegas… (Part One)

July 20, 2015 maxkochuncorked

Tags: Blue Man Group Cosmopolitan Gambling Las Vegas Luck Lucky Dogg Winery Monte Carlo Pugs

When you go to Las Vegas, you’re not supposed to HIDE in your dark, air-conditioned hotel room for 5 days — reading books, watching lame “scary” movies on your laptop, WORKING, and making weird videos. No! You’re supposed to drink and party and gamble and suck down decadent buffet fare! You’re expected to hit a strip club or punch out a bouncer or lose your nest egg! Ideally, you wanna even try to get into some kinda hot water. And, no, I don’t mean within the confines of a jacuzzi spa tub.

And this is truly why I suck at Vegas. I can’t relax there. It’s impossible. It’s just not my scene. It doesn’t help that we bring our PUGS to Vegas. Who does THAT?? Well, the story there is…we can’t seem to go anywhere without “the boys” right now. We’re THAT addicted to them. It’s a problem. They’re a problem. A very, very, very lovable, sweet, sometimes stinky, always reliable…problem. It’s why we couldn’t get to Ireland last year. Malcolm is a maniac (our beloved “special needs” child) and Mickey is old and full of compromising health issues. Who the hell but us is gonna correctly take care of these two little black clowns when we’re gone? Nobody.

So they stayed with us at the Cosmopolitan on The Strip. See, the wife had to attend a human resources conference out there and so that always becomes an excuse for a big ol’ family road trip. Especially if we can score dog-friendly accommodations. The Cosmopolitan provided really swell digs, including a 14th floor canine relief area for the boys…and our room’s view looked down on the Fountains of Bellagio, which provided a soothing, visual meditation at day’s end.

Entertainment-wise, we checked out Blue Man Group. Now I had never seen these dudes before and – forgive me for being grandiose – I thought I was witnessing some sort of artistic revolution happening right there on stage at the Monte Carlo! I was SO blown away by the hijinx of these three odd, azure-painted fellows. I was also moved to tears by a particular piece of music they performed. It seriously felt like an alien invasion was going down: They landed. Observed us (with those intense, unnerving, beady eyes of theirs). Mounted an onstage art-and-magic exhibition. Took a random woman plucked from the audience out on a date, one that may as well have been choreographed by Charlie Chaplin. Shared their weirdness and percussion prowess with us. Even taught us a few profound, invaluable life lessons.

And then they were gone…

We bought a Blu-ray of theirs and some drumsticks that light up blue and headed back to the Cosmo.

Oh!

I almost forgot.

Before the show, I waltzed right up to the bartender of the Blue Man theater and asked him to make me “the biggest, bluest, most annihilating adult beverage” he could concoct back there.

BARTENDER: Oh, I know what YOU want…

ME: You DO?

BARTENDER: Oh, yes, my friend. You want an Adios.

ME: An Adios?? Yes! Yes. That is EXACTLY what I want. An Adios. But can I call it a BLUE Adios?

Boom. Cut to: me sitting there in the audience with one of those ridiculously-gigantic, Blue Man-brand sports bottles full of Blue Adios. It did the trick.

I did NOT share my Blue Adios with the wife. No, I bought her her own. A tinier, girlier version, of course.

As the days bled on, I found myself falling into a bit of a depression out there in ol’ Las Vegas. It just sometimes feels like everybody around me is gaining greater success than I. Well…to be fair, they ARE. But what I need to realize is that, while things may be slow for me right now…that doesn’t mean that’s how it’s going to be forever. And I think that might be another reason why it was so hard for me to relax out there. The town is BUILT on luck, right? Which is significantly lacking in my life these days. More with the career stuff than anything, I think. I mean, I KNOW how lucky I am. But those waves of chance that lead to greater success? I could stand to catch a new one of those sooner than later. That said, I DID manage to do pretty well on the slots. And I’m no gambler, by any stretch. Betting my hard-earneds on pure chance is something I just could not willfully afford to do all the time, even if I was filthy rich. But there’s nothing wrong with poppin’ a few singles down in the adult arcades now and again. Me, I’d rather spend my $$ on booze.

WINE PAIRING: How about a 2013 Pinot Noir from the Lucky Dogg Winery in Solvang? See? Our luck’s changing already. Yours AND mine.

COMING UP NEXT: Sammy Hagar’s cantina! Sindy the 31-foot tall stripper! And lest we forget Zombie Burlesque!

Categories: Uncategorized.

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The Grape Greenhorn

July 15, 2015 maxkochuncorked

Tags: New Jersey Root 1 Sommelier Steakhouse Waiting Tables

Listen, I’m still putting together my Las Vegas/Grand Canyon relays for you, but I wanted to hop on the ol’ blog real quick to tell you about something that happened yesterday that I’m actually a little proud of.

So a friend of mine back East (New Jersey) got himself a gig waiting tables at a fancy-pants steakhouse. This is a guy who’s much more of a beer-and-cigarettes fella hangin’ at the tavern with the jukebox blarin’, than a Paso Robles-worshipping wine goon like me. But this steakhouse offers a REALLY extensive wine list that more or less intimidated my friend (frankly, I wasn’t impressed with it…and it was WAY too overpriced.) Nevertheless, we hopped on Skype and went through it together as he had just come out of training and was expected to sell bottles of wine with all of the pricey steak dinners he was about to serve. Well, wouldn’t you know, I started to teach him all about “varietals” and “regions” and “temperaments” of wine. ME! Johnny Rocks-in-his-Head. And I couldn’t believe how easy the info was flowing out of me, too. I mean, this friend of mine could have just Googled this stuff but he wanted the Max Koch personal touch. Which he got in spades.

That said, I can only IMAGINE how neophyte-y and un-informed and downright dumb I must have sounded to a TRUE seasoned Sommelier, had they been eavesdropping. But I got away with it. And I was SO proud of my buddy when he texted me last night to boast that he’d made a $165 tip on a $750 bill (!!). The dude had managed to actually sell some decent bottles of wine to one of his parties (at least the list had a FEW Koch-endorsable delights.)

It just goes to show…no matter how dopey you are when it comes to wine…you can still use whatever knowledge you think you have to help your friends-in-service make some extra scratch.

WINE PAIRING: The above bro once sent me a bottle of Root 1 Cabernet as gift. It was the only wine he was really familiar with. Turns out his palette wasn’t as primitive as I expected. Not bad at all!

Categories: Uncategorized.