Hey, Madonna. How’s it goin’. Max Koch here. You don’t know me.
So, listen, saw your show last night at the fabulous Forum in Inglewood. I’ve actually seen you live a whopping SEVEN times now. I’ll be honest, it’s only because my wife is a longtime rabid – and I mean FOAMING – fan of yours, that I ever see you in concert at all. Otherwise, I’d just be sticking with occasional glimpses of your “Sex” book and that “Open Your Heart” video. But my wife has to see you EVERY TIME you come to town. It’s a MAJOR event for her. And she is SERIOUS about it. How serious? Well, I’ll tell you.
Knowing FULL WELL from experience that you most likely won’t even hit the stage until at LEAST 10:20pm, we actually wound up leaving our house at 4:30pm, at my wife’s insistence. Now I don’t do math but I’m pretty sure that’s ALMOST six hours we’re taking before we even lay eyes on your gold-plated grill ‘tween your painted lips. We sat in miserable traffic, grabbed some dinner at some shitty diner I thought was a good idea to try, made our way into the Forum’s parking lot, picked up our tickets at Will-Call, wife purchased some pieces of your merch (she collects ALL your programs), grabbed a coupla overpriced (duh) margaritas, and stood waiting for the doors to open 40 minutes after they were scheduled to (which was supposed to be 7pm). By the time we reached our spectacular aisle seats, Madonna, I gotta say, I was EXHAUSTED.
So now we’re talking 8pm by the time we sat, which, coincidentally, was the time your show was actually scheduled to commence, according to our tickets. But NO worries. I had NO expectations that you would even come out until around 9 or 9:30. And sure, sure, I know you had to have a DJ come out first to get us in the mood. Zzzz.
However…YOU came out at the aforementioned 10:20pm. So for TWO HOURS AND TWENTY MINUTES we sat and waited for you appear on stage, only to start calling us all “bitches” and making us suffer through yet ANOTHER rendition of “La Isla Bonita.” I have to ask, with the greatest respect, WHAT is with you and that song…?
Now don’t get me wrong. I know. I KNOW. You, ma’am…are the Queen of Pop. I get it. And I think that’s GREAT. And you did NOT look bad for a 57-year-old. Quite the contrary. I know a lotta folks rudely bash you for all kinds of reasons, but I greatly admire your artistry, your moxie, and your still-surprisingly-boner-enticing physical attributes. All THAT said…I thought this was your weakest show I’ve seen yet. It started OUT cool. I liked the horror movie-type images at the beginning with scary Mike Tyson, all snarls and sharp, steely teeth…and you as a bloodied-up Marilyn Monroe-type trapped in a cage. But the ideas kinda stalled out after that. Things appeared…disjointed. Sloppy even. You hid behind your guitars a lot, which, okay, tells me that maybe you’re still trying to prove to the world that you’re a “real” musician or something. But you needn’t bother! You’re Madonna! You’ve proved it ALL, believe me! Time and time and time again.
And lose the Katy Perry cameos. You don’t need that noise.
(Exhale)
Anyway. I hope YOU had fun up there. Wait. Do you have fun anymore…? I guess you do. I mean, you kept us up until 12:30am, woman! That’s kinda LATE for me. I know, I know, I’m just an insignificant old nothing who’s just there to make sure my wife doesn’t slip and tumble down the beer-soaked stairs of section 108, but I got DOGS back home that need to relieve themselves. As it is, I got all turned-around outside in the Forum parking lot afterwards, fearing my 2009 Kia Rondo had been stolen (don’t worry, it was intact, I just got lost and confused in that lot for the first time ever because it was SO past my bed time…).
When we finally made it back home, it was 2am. So that’s a NINE AND A HALF HOUR excursion to see you. Shit, that’s a day at DISNEYLAND, dude! Now would I do it all again next time? Of course I would. I should say, “of course I would…because it makes my WIFE happy…”. But the truth is, I HAVE NO CHOICE. You are my wife’s all-time favorite, biggest, grandest, bitchiest idol. So it looks like we’re stuck with each other, Madge. Until you decide to stop touring. Which I’m NOT asking you to do. So until then, can you just…do me a little favor? Can you maybe start a wee bit earlier next time? I know you won’t. But I just had to ask. I mean, really, I shouldn’t even be blaming YOU for ANY of this! A lot of this is my WIFE’S fault, as she’s so psychotically particular about getting to you in a timely fashion and not “missing” anything!
I’m just…asking for me. That’s all. Thanks, darling. I really do think you’re wonderful. I do. I think “Confessions on a Dance Floor” is your masterpiece. Loved you in “Dick Tracy!”
WINE PAIRING: Why, the “Due Ragazze” Pinot Noir Reserve from Madonna Estate, of course! Perfect because that’s Italian for “two girls” and Madonna always has her two female back-up singers.