Max Koch Uncorked

Wine-soaked adventures through a twisted life…

Top 12 Trippiest Moments From…

THE DANIEL LANOIS ENCOUNTER LAST NIGHT AT THE GRAMMY MUSEUM:

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12. Announced that he had created a new musical language that all walks of life would understand.

11. Is hell-bent on recording an entire record in the backseat of his ’72 Cadillac.

10. Was dressed like “Billy Bob Thornton meets Apocalyptic Trucker” and kept chewing weird little white pieces of ginger.

9. Revealed that he lived with Peter Gabriel during the production of “So” (or maybe it was “Us”) in a BELL TOWER on Peter’s property (???).

8. Kept lamenting on the fact that the “purple smoke” he wanted for the evening was not available.

7. Kept demanding that questions be “pungent”. He also only really wanted to talk to girls, which I get. When I asked him about any explosions of rage or emotional outbursts of note in his past studio sessions and how he navigates varying artistic temperaments, he told me he threw a chair once and smashed some windows and has many, many regrets about how he handled certain artists and blames his hotheaded-ness on the fact that he wears leather and is French-Canadian (???).

6. Surrounds himself with extraordinarily youthful (albeit talented) men, one of whom was wearing one of those big, brown Pharrell hats and what looked like a Civil War-era men’s nightgown. The drummer kid he found in a bar in Silverlake was astounding.

5. Would only refer to U2 as “those guys from Ireland”.

4. The use of short films to accentuate tracks on his new record he played live where some of the most pretentious, amateurish, bottom-of-the-film-school-student-heap visuals I’ve ever seen in my life. Lanois LOVED them. Which made me kind of had a change of heart for what I was seeing. And he insisted that we were on the verge of a new Cultural Revolution. (This came after telling us he broke 10 bones in his body after a motorcycle accident in 2010 and got a new outlook on life…)

3. HOWEVER… at one point he used a pen and ink animation that was older than film itself, containing several grotesques heads of varying creatures opening their hungry mouths wide while countless black frogs LEAPT into them (you can imagine the chewing). THAT was amazing.

2. Kept jonesing for whiskey and the host kept saying, “no whiskey!”

1. PASSIONATELY DECLARED HIS LOVE OF SMUCKER’S-BRAND JELLIES & JAMS!!!

I must admit…Lanois was one of the most provocative figures I’ve witnessed in a good long time. A fascinating character. I would read his autobiography. And his new record, “Flesh and Machine”, works MUCH better for me in the car without the short film punctuations. It’s a mood enhancer.

WINE PAIRING: I feel Daniel Lanois has earned the right to INDULGE himself in anything he wants to do, share, create, exploit, expand…present. So I simply say unto you, my wine-soaked reader: Indulge Yourself.

 


Max Koch Goes to VAMPIRE VINEYARDS (New Video)

Just in time for Halloween (my all-time favorite holiday), I have made a new video about my rockin’ good time at Vampire Vineyards Tasting Room & Lounge in Beverly Hills. I’ve written about VV before on this blog, but now you’ll get to really see and hear just how spooky and sexy and fabulous this place is.

What I loved most about this experience was chatting with the manager, Creighton Brown. I mean, you have to understand, I walked into this place donning a dopey DRACULA CAPE, asking if I could shoot footage. Now I’m sure he’s seen this before (and worse)…but Creighton could not have been more cool and accommodating, as you will soon see. And as tasty and seductive as the wines were, I think they were made all the better by the environment. I could LIVE there, it’s so rad.

Now there are TWO ways you can witness Creighton invite me into Vampire Vineyards. Either as part of my new 2014 Halloween Hellshow video (where you’ll also get spoofs of “Wolf Creek” and “Project Runway”), or simply click the pic of the Count Maxula below for the clip of the visit alone.

WINE PAIRING: The 2009 Dracula Syrah from Paso Robles should pop your fangs, for sure. I love it. Ideally, you wanna wear a cape while you sip it like I do. You can pick one up at Rite Aid right now for 50% off!

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Something’s Been Haunting Me…

A few weeks ago, a buddy of mine from the old days (who I actually hardly ever see) invited me to attend the wake of his deceased mother, who had passed away from Alzheimer’s disease. I had no idea WHY I was invited, but I knew somehow, mysteriously, that it was inevitable I would be attending. Our mutual friend picked me up and we drove out to the tired, old house in Reseda “Mom” had lived in. It was late in the afternoon…a hot, dry Tuesday. There, we were greeted at the door by the late woman’s husband: A very kind and sweet Hungarian fellow (“Mom” was Scottish, by the way). The couple had spent 51 years together. 4 children. 6 grandchildren.

Fifty. One. Years.

As I stood among the friends and relatives, sipping a glass of Mark West Pinot Noir, I couldn’t help but notice how relaxed and relieved everyone seemed to be. “Mom” had clearly suffered enough. There were pictures and stories and laughter and anecdotes about her floating all over the place. And no one seemed at all angry or sad or feeling the need to shake their fist up at God. One of the sons was even wearing a kilt. And there was fried chicken and fruit and all kinds of snackage being passed around.

I just kept looking at all the photos, new and old. And feeling the warm, oddly familiar energy of the house. And talking with the sister of “Mom” and getting all the good, spicy bits about how awesome she was at life.

I guess what still haunts me is this picture my friend posted of “Mom” on Facebook. I didn’t even know this woman. Never met her. Yet for a good 90 minutes at that tired, old house in Reseda, whose walls had obviously endured SO much family stuff over the years…I felt like I knew “Mom” enough to still be thinking about her this very day.

Life is so crazy sometimes. Salud, “Mom”.

 

UPDATE: I have since removed the photo because a few female friends of mine found it a little insensitive. Just know that it was a photo of “Mom” looking quite near the end. And even though her son had posted it publicly on his Facebook, I decided I would take it down here. See? Max listens!


Max Koch Goes to CASA CASSARA (New Video)

It was a whirlwind couple of days for me this past weekend. Went up to Los Olivos on Friday to check out the 10th anniversary celebration of “Sideways” at Kalyra winery (where we first meet sexy Sandra Oh’s character, Stephanie, in the film).

We sat outside under the stars and watched the film as we ate gourmet pizza and sipped slowly on a bottle of their NV Mattie’s Select Rose, named after one of the ranch’s late canines. The atmosphere was divine, and the company could not have been more desired. With the exception of a very rude woman nearby us who shouted, “Horrible ending!!” right before the end credits rolled.

Dick!

(The ending of “Sideways” is not horrible. The end of “Sideways” is perfect. Just like the rest of the film is PERFECT.)

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Saturday night was awesome because, after a FULL day of lavender fields and tasting rooms – skipping the Harvest Festival altogether – we had dinner at Los OIivos Wine Merchant & Cafe. This, of course, was the joint where Miles has the meltdown during dinner with Maya, Jack, and Stephanie. Then he makes the wrenching drink-and dial to his ex-wife. I was hoping the pay phone would actually be there but it was nowhere to be found. No matter. Snapping a pic near the wall of wine by which the “Sideways” foursome sat was giddy-enough fun for me. 

Los Olivos at night is breathtaking. Country dark and quiet all around!

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Sunday, we made our way over to the Lompoc Wine Ghetto and took in “Cellar Shenanigans”, the annual open house for Fiddlehead (we’re club members). They are pouring some seriously stunning stuff over there, especially their Pinots. And their Happy Canyon Sauv Blanc. It was just so cool to chill in the warehouse with wily winemaker Kathy Joseph and her dudes, Mike and Ron. I even took a 20-question “Sideways” quiz and only missed ONE answer, damn it (how…HOW could I forget that Thomas Haden Church was actually nominated for a Best Supporting Actor Oscar???).

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I have to say, however, the highlight of my weekend was bonding with winemaker Dan Cassara at the Casa Cassara tasting room in Solvang. It’s all too clear this badass/biker/Santa impersonator has a sincere zest and zeal for life.

Click the pic of Dan and me for the video!  You don’t wanna miss THIS one…

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WINE PAIRING: A couple slugs of Casa Cassara’s “Sam’s Dago Red” and a jar of Dan’s gourmet FROG BALLS should about do ya!


Harvest Movie Night: “Sideways” at Kalyra

The wife and I are wine club members at Kalyra, and we’re all fired up to take in one of their Harvest Movie Night events this weekend.

Can you guess which one?

I’ll wait…

You did it! Yes, that’s correct, we’re gonna sit outside and watch “Sideways” at the vineyard amphitheater while tasting Kalyra wines and mowing on slices of brick oven pizza.

It just so happens that the utterly sexy scene where Jack and Miles first meet the spunky and flirtatious Stephanie (Sandra Oh) was shot inside the Kalyra tasting room.

If you revere the wine-soaked comedy classic as much as I do, you HAVE to print up the Sideways tour map, and check out the locales if ever you’re up in the area.

Now, I’ve seen “Sideways” a few too many times. Talk about a soul movie. That one cuts DEEP. I mean, what are ANY of us supposed to do with Miles and Jack and their misadventures in the Santa Ynez valley? Such funny yet heart-melting stuff. Alexander Payne has to be the most appropriately monikered film director of all time.

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I keep a poster of the movie in my office. If for any reason, to remind me that there’s still hope for greatness in cinematic art.

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Full report upon my return!

WINE PAIRING: I’m not a real dessert wine sorta guy (my wife loves them, hence why we’re Kalyra club members), but I have to say the NV Black Muscat is the perfect capper to any meal, voraciously-consumed.


Max Koch Goes to STOLO WINERY (New Video)

Skittles. Starburst. Nerds. Gummy Worms. Mike and Ikes. Jolly Ranchers. These are the main addictive treats I fight very hard to avoid these days. My success rate is about 78%.

However…Beef Jerky? I can’t avoid. But here’s the thing! I usually ONLY consume a small bag or two of BF when I’m on a road trip. There’s just something about gnawing on smoky, fat-free, dried-out, old meat while blasting Black Sabbath’s “13” on the open road!

Gourmet Beef Jerky seems to be a thing on the Central Coast. You can actually go into a shop like the Morro Bay House of Jerky and SAMPLE different types of brawn like you would wine in a tasting room. They even offer up SOY jerky for those who don’t go in for the animal flesh.

Far and away, my favorite brand of beef jerky is the black pepper-flavored stuff, courtesy of the Cattaneo Bros. factory, located in SLO (San Luis Obispo). Talk about the open road, I can ONLY seem to find this stuff at the local Cayucos gas station right as I’m filling up to hit Highway 1.

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According to the Cattaneo Bros. website, “Cattaneo Bros. beef jerky is a staple in many people’s diet and has become their high protein, low-calorie candy of choice. In fact President Ronald Reagan, Actor Tim Allen and the former National Security Advisor William Clark would all agree that nothing can beat the satisfaction of Cattaneo Bros. 100% all natural beef jerky.” Oh, well, come on, I mean…if that doesn’t put you in a mood to try a bag, what will…? They even call it CANDY, for cryin’ out loud!

I love knives. I used to carry a switch blade I picked up in Tijuana, which is illegal in the state of California. Then I carried a general pocketknife for several years, but it was too bulky. So I have been looking for a knife for a few years now to replace the bulky boy. I finally found the perfect blade at the Remember When Antique Mall in downtown Cayucos. She’s a Rough Rider-brand knife and I immediately named her Scarlett. She straps to my belt and makes me feel whole. There was only one snag: Five minutes after I bought her, I used to her to slice open a bag of Cattaneo Bros. black pepper jerky at the gas station and sliced the SHIT out of my right middle finger!!

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Oh, if you coulda SMELLED the panic. My digit was dripping GOBS of blood. I felt like Ralphie from “A Christmas Story” who was pre-warned throughout the entire movie that he’d shoot his eye out the minute he first fired a Red Ryder BB gun. And he does, almost! My wife was NOT amused. But…I have to say…she handled it a lot better than I thought she would.

Now Cambria has never been my Central Coast destination of choice. Sure, they got some cool tasting rooms there (Moonstone Cellars in the West Village is a particular fave). And I don’t mind the occasional lunch at the Indigo Moon Cafe. But it’s really not my scene. It always strikes me as a little too snobby, precious and, er, caucasian. But I know a lotta people who love it and I certainly can’t fault the town for staging the annual Scarecrow Festival every year. I think that’s just about the best thing they got goin’! But I have to say I was BLOWN AWAY by a Cambrian winery we had yet to discover (off Santa Rosa Creek Road) called Stolo Family Vineyards.

This. Place. Was. Fantastic.

So after we bought a box of Band-Aids at a pharmacy to stop the red red kroovy from gushing out of my bird-flipping finger, we settled in to Stolo for some scenery and wine samples so magnificent, I was prepared to just zone out the rest of the day there, staring at breezy trees and fainting goats. Lisa, the Tasting Room Manager, was so lovely and charming and funny and cool, we just couldn’t believe our luck. We simply scored at this place. And soon my injury woes subsided as I polished off the last little slice of Cattaneo Bros. black pepper beef jerky and we made this video of our visit. You REALLY get the idea that this place is very special.

Click the pic of the old Stolo barn house for the video!

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WINE PAIRING: The 2012 Stolo Pinot Noir (Creekside) was INSANE. Cannot WAIT to bust it open here at the house soon.


And the Grammy Goes to…Harry Dean Stanton??

The highlight of this past week for me, hands down, was attending the REEL TO REEL: HARRY DEAN STANTON: PARTLY FICTION event at the Grammy Museum in Downtown Los Angeles with Cousin Lorenzo and The Counselor. Harry Dean is one of my all-time favorite actors, so to be able to sit in the front row, less than fifteen feet from his smoky, surreal aura…was a fairly fortuitous experience for me. Special thanks to my cousin (a museum member) for the hook up.

Stanton. Is. A. TRIP.

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The photo above was taken by my good friend Peter Hastings, who I worked with on “Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness”. Like Stanton, Peter is something of an artistic journeyman. He even shot the Kris Kristofferson segment of the HDS documentary, “Harry Dean Stanton: Partly Fiction”, which is currently streaming on Netflix. If you haven’t seen this thing, you have GOT to get on it. I suggest, also, that you wait to watch it at night. It’s a gem. I’ve now seen it 5 times. For HDS is not just some face you recall from countless movies you’ve seen over the years. He’s also a singer, a drinker, and a philosopher. Dare I say, he might even indulge in the green, leafy stuff from time to time. Listen, at 88-years of age, the dude can pretty much do whatever the hell he wants.

Lovingly, respectfully directed by Sophie Huber (a friend of Peter’s), the doc is less a paint-by-numbers assessment of Harry’s career than it is a moving, dream-like, artistic portrait of a man who Stanton’s own personal assistant Logan Sparks describes as the “Forrest Gump of Hollywood” (Harry Dean has stumbled into some VERY unique situations in his storied life).

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Best of all, he is very weird. And hilarious. I think you’d have to be to work on over five film projects with the great David Lynch.

It was just a fantastic evening. Lorenzo, Adam, and I kicked off the proceedings with Happy Hour hijinx at Tom’s Urban down on S. Figueroa Street, which is just a few doors down from the museum. There we met our server, Leah, who turned out to be quite the lovely African-American enchantress. She and I seriously hit it off and I hope to enjoy some laughs with her again sometime when I pay a re-visit. After Harry Dean, we all returned to Tom’s for a nightcap, but Leah was long gone. Although we did manage to converse fairly intimately with a fellow member of her staff who was a charismatic, aspiring actor-type fellow struggling with cancer. ALWAYS an eye-opener when you realize how fortunate you are that you get to sit with your friends late at night, drinking and laughing and busting balls and pounding french fries and NOT have to sweat such ordeals. Not yet anyway, knock on my own stupid head.

Oh! I almost forgot. After a screening of the film, there was a very brief, bizarre interview with Harry Dean and Huber followed by a four-song performance by Harry featuring Don Was on upright bass. Was is also a friend of Peter’s (this guy knows everybody!) and was wearing flip-flops, sweatpants, and a GIANT SCARF and FEDORA on a hot, late-summer night. You shoulda SEEN the shit-eatin’ grin on Was’ bearded face as he jammed with HDS and Jamie James on guitar. Madness.

When Harry Dean was escorted (slowly) off the stage, there erupted an annoyingly-clogged traffic jam of people. HDS wound up basically stopped right in front of my face. I stared at him. He stared at me. I said nothing. Neither did he. Then some bespectacled putz appeared and begged Harry for his autograph…to which Harry replied, “Why?“.

WINE PAIRING: In honor of HDS, I would say ANY Old Vine Zinfandel from the Lodi region of California will more than suffice.


Max Koch Stays at the SHORELINE INN (New Video)

Shoreline Inn…on the beach is my most favorite place on Earth. There. I said it.

RANDOM DOUCHE-ROCKET:  Where’s Shoreline Inn…on the beach, Max? Is it actually ON the beach?

ME: Yes. It’s actually ON the beach.

RD: Which beach, somewhere down in San Diego?

ME: NO!! God no.

RD: No?

ME: No.

RD: Oh. You got something against San Diego?

ME: Yes. I do. I do not care for San Diego. There. I said it.

RD: How can ANYONE not like San Diego? That’s just…dumb.

ME: Well. I think you’re dumb. You probably like Temecula.

RD: Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do.

ME: Exactly.

RD: Huh?

ME: Forget it. Why am I talking to you?

RD: You were telling me about Shoreline in the beach.

ME: No!! Shoreline Inn…ON the beach.

RD: Why are you being such a dick?

ME: I don’t know. Sorry. It’s not you, it’s me.

RD: I’ll say.

ME: “I’ll say”??

RD: Dude. Whatever. I’ll ask you again. Where is this place?

ME: It’s about three and a half hours from where I live. Straight off Highway 1 on the central coast of California. Cayucos.

RD: Cambria?

ME: NO!! KAI. YOU. CUSS.

RD: I think you need a glass of wine.

ME: NOW we’re in sync. Look. Cayucos is the little seaside hamlet where the Shoreline Inn resides. It derives its name from the kayak-like boats used by the Chumash Indians back in the olden days. It’s the most perfect coastal town you will ever see. It’s like Sweethaven, where Robin Williams’ Popeye rowed ashore? Remember the Sweethaven anthem? I always sing that when I’m in Cayucos.

RD: Too soon, Max.

ME: I’m sorry?

RD: Robin Williams jokes. Too soon, dude.

ME: But…I…wasn’t making a joke. I was simply making a comparison. I wasn’t making FUN of Robin Williams, you LOAD!!!

RD: Anyway, I didn’t know this was going to be a whole history lesson. Why are you all about this stupid blog now? Are you EVER gonna make any more Tony Soprano videos?

ME: Sigh.

Cut.

Okay, I can’t write this script anymore. It was getting too frustratingly real. In fact, I don’t even know why I ever bother telling ANYONE about Cayucos and the Shoreline Inn. I just wanna keep them all to myself! Maybe it’s because I wanna drum up more business for the Shoreline. But then I realize that’s ridiculous and they don’t need my help at all because they are ALWAYS booked these days. I mean, even in the off seasons they have become a real force to be reckoned with, reservations-wise. And I know damn well why. They are always changing it up. New decor, new roof, new fixtures. New vibes. They really care about their regulars. Not to mention, they’re the most dog-friendly beach resort you will ever see in your life. My pug Lily lived for her trips to the Shoreline. We even brought her up there for one final excursion before we had to say goodbye to her because she had fallen so ill. I can’t walk on Cayucos Beach these days without seeing her little fawn ghost.

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But it’s okay because now we go up with Malcolm and Mickey!

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Speaking of “The Sopranos”: The ONLY bummer my wife and I ever endured while staying at the Shoreline was when we made a choice to go up there SPECIFICALLY to watch the series finale. Little did we know the Shoreline had gotten rid of HBO because some dopey parent wasn’t monitoring her kid’s TV viewing or something and actually had the gall to COMPLAIN to management. And so the HBO was whacked and I had to plug my ears and avoid the papers for THREE SOLID DAYS. “The Sopranos” faded to black and everyone knew it before I did. Good thing we kept/keep plenty of wine in our room.

Listen, I don’t wanna shoot my Shoreline wad here. I could go on forever about my most favorite place on Earth (and will again in this blog). But I think the following video speaks for itself. Best of all, it features my dear pal, Donna Halliday, the Shoreline’s queen sea glass sculptress and caretaker. Donna’s always been one of the many draws for us – the whole Shoreline staff is amazing – and I know for a fact you will fall in love with her as much as we have.

WINE PAIRING: Cayucos is about 32 miles from Paso Robles wine country (via the Old Creek Road), but as it turns out, the Cayucos Cellars tasting room is roughly 32 seconds from the Shoreline Inn, depending on how desperate your pace. So why not knock out a bottle of the 2010 Pinot Gris while you watch me shamelessly flirt with Donna.

Click the pic of Shoreline Inn…on the beach for the video and make your plans to visit there TODAY:

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BONUS FEATURE: The Shoreline Inn…on the beach BEACH CAM.


Max Koch Goes to EBERLE WINERY (New Video)

Winemaker Gary Eberle, the “Pioneer of Paso Robles”, knows a little something about football. He went to Penn State on a football scholarship and graduated with a BS in biology. Me, I know NOTHING about football. But I do feel I know a few things about wine. And my tour of the Eberle Winery was one of the most surreal vineyard visits I’ve enjoyed in recent memory.

I don’t wanna give too much away, since you’re hopefully about to watch the video of my adventure, but I can tell you this: Eberle is a stop you wanna make if ever cruising East Highway 46 in Paso Robles. It is One of a Kind.

Click the pic of the eberle (“small boar”) below and GO!

 

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WINE PAIRING: The Eberle Full Boar Red was the one I was most excited to sample. I love a hearty blend, and this little snorter delivers. Special thanks to Tim behind the counter for being so awesome to us, too.

(“Little snorter”?  Max?) 


Max Koch’s OYSTER CURSE (New Video)

It’s Friday! And you know what that means. Two days of NO bitching. Unless, of course, you have to work on the weekends. Or live with truly horrible people you can’t stand.

Listen, I bitch a LOT. This I know. I complain and rant and foam over RIDICULOUS things. Things so insignificant, that, if you knew me, you’d HAVE to believe I was joking, right? Not necessarily! Even worse, I can sometimes put a POUT on, too, if I want… y’know, to go along with all that BITCHING that’s getting me no where. And that’s REALLY no good. NO ONE wants to see/hear/smell a middle-aged, white man bitching AND pouting about things he feels HE isn’t getting in life, considering all that’s wrong with the world. NO ONE.

One thing I’ll admit I often pout about is seaside eateries I patronize that tell me they’ve run out of oysters. Happens. To me. Constantly. I don’t even know when the hell I started LOVING oysters so much. But I do, I really do. And the ingesting of those slippery little suckers has now become a requirement if ever I’m engaged in any culinary activities by the sea. ESPECIALLY when I’m away on vacation on the Central Coast. When I’m up there, I expect these establishments to keep their oyster-centric ice boxes STOCKED, damn it. And so many of them never do and RUN OUT before I even get there. Oh, you should HEAR the excuses I get!

SERVER: Oh, we’re all out of oysters. 

ME: (in a whiny panic) All OUT??

SERVER: Yeah, sorry. They all got slurped up in the big CLAM BAKE last night. You shoulda been here THEN.

ME: Well, wait a minute, what does a Clam Bake have to do with oysters?

Pause.

SERVER: Huh?

Forget it.

Anyway, here’s some sad video of my recent failed attempt to enjoy some fresh oysters at the Fish Bonez seafood grill in Morro Bay. Click the pic to see the vid and KNOW that I HAVE to be joking.

Right…?

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WINE PAIRING: Come on, you know where this is going. Get on over to your local Trader Joe’s and pick up a bottle of Oyster Bay Sauvignon Blanc, toot sweet!