WARNING: THE FOLLOWING UNCORKED ENTRY MAY OFFEND YOU BASED ON THE SUBJECT MANNER. READER DISCRETION ADVISED.
So here’s what I declared on Facebook this past Friday morning:
Today…is Human Centipede Day. Yes. Yes, it’s true. Adam and Brett are coming over and we are taking in ALL 3 HUMAN CENTIPEDE MOVIES (Part III is out today). I had to go to 8 supermarkets to find peach sorbet so I could totally steal the idea from an internet meme you see below. I’m even gluing the labels on the cartons.
There will be MANY adult beverages consumed. There will be pizza. There will most likely even be male bonding, which I have grown utterly unaccustomed to since I mostly roll with chicks. There will be madness. There will be great and powerful bellows of fear. And inevitable bruises. FULL report coming soon. (Gee, Max, we can’t wait.) HAPPY HUMAN CENTIPEDE DAY!!!
Okay, so here’s proof that I actually did glue the labels on the cartons of Häagen-Dazs peach sorbet I picked up:
Look, I have no shame here. I am a huge fan of writer/director Tom Six, the creator of the Human Centipede franchise. I like his brain. His subversive attitude. His disdain for humanity. His style of dress. And the fact that he owns a pug named Nigel. I also think the first film, in particular – “The Human Centipede (First Sequence)” – is one of the most terrifying – yet artful – works of horror proficiency I’ve ever seen. It astounds me how polarizing these films are, especially from people who’ve never seen a frame of Six’s work. It’s just the THOUGHT of three people being sewn together ass-to-mouth that brings about debilitating waves of repulsion, I guess.
So, yeah, I had my two dear buddies over (known for their true grit) and we spent a FULL 11 HOURS watching all three films (the latest – and apparently final – installment is available now on VOD.) We viewed, we paused, we dissected, we took exercise breaks, we pissed, we smoked cigars, we laughed our fool heads off. We screamed. We busted balls. We ate. A LOT.
There was:
Peanut butter-filled pretzels, wasabi peas, pizza, grapes, a veggie tray – Who EATS during these movies??? – potato skins with sour cream, peach sorbet scoops with frozen peaches atop them, chips and salsa, chocolates, gourmet cupcakes the wife picked up from Sprinkles, and, inevitably, THAI FOOD!
BEST of all, however, were the Party Favors. Both Brett and Adam were each presented with their very own brand-new laser pointer, both in honor of Dieter Laser who stars in two of the three THC flicks…and, you know, for pointing at the TV whenever something unbelievably point-worthy happens…which was often. I also went so far as to draw the three of US as a human centipede! I even filmed their reactions. Click the drawing below to see the video!
It’s was SUCH a fun time. In fact, I think we need to make Human Centipede Day a National Holiday! Who’s with me??
(Crickets)
WINE PAIRING: In honor of Tom Six (and the fact that the First Sequence human centipede had 6 hands), I feel it’s best we pop open the NV Célébration Brut North Coast from the Six Hands Winery in Walnut Grove, CA.
Cheers, Tom! Can’t wait to see what depravity you have in store for us next.