I don’t have kids. I most likely won’t EVER have ’em, either. That was a choice I made when I married my wife. Kids or no kids, honey? Answer: no kids. I still married her. Well, it wasn’t her fault she never really cared for children. I mean, I was cool with them growing up and used to daydream about being surrounded by 8 daughters. But that’s just not gonna happen now. And you know what? I’m fine with it. Being the misanthropic mess I have become in my now-middle age, I am absolutely, positively FINE with it. Just look at the world! Or better yet, don’t. Hide in denial, drink wine, and watch Netflix.
What helps is having a kid sister who just pooped out a 7lb. / 6oz. baby boy named Payson James. Everyone else is planning on calling him “Pace” for short. But not me, no sir. No, I plan to be different. PJ will be his name! Little PJ…Poopsalot. Well, my nickname for him is still in the developmental stage. The point is, I have a nephew now. And I plan to be a very active, very present, and very WEIRD…Uncle Max.
And I’m so excited.
So wild to think I once changed my kid sister’s diapers and she’s now changing her own kid’s diapers. Yeah, yeah, “Circle of Life”, but it really IS freaky.
I have 3 uncles. One’s dead, one’s building houses in the midwest, and one is living “off the grid” in the outskirts of Portland, Oregon. That would be my Uncle Patrick. We were very close once. We drank a lot, partied a lot, camped out together a lot. I even almost made a movie about him back in 2006. Shot the whole thing with The Counselor, but only managed to drop a trailer before getting derailed by other stuff. But since he left California wine country, where he owned a dream-like piece of property in the heart of Sonoma County, right off the Russian River, we have since…drifted apart. It saddens me. But I root for him. I know we’ll hook up again someday. Hopefully.
Little PJ, however, will always know his Uncle Max. I will fly down to Texas where he lives to visit him. I will send him Christmas and birthday gifts. I will call him on that stupid Face Time. And I will eventually be a VERY bad influence on him.
I can’t wait.
WINE PAIRING: In honor of my Uncle Pat, let’s uncork a 2013 Russian River Valley Pinot Noir. I’ve had it. And it’s delicious. Rub a drop of it on the roof of your baby’s mouth!